So what we have to learn to do is to accept the love we aren’t given. To realize that although we put someone on a pedestal, that does not mean that their judgment determines us. It’s simply a mindset, one that we have to change if we want to get out. People can love you a little bit, and they can love you enough but not enough to make it work. It is not an all-or-nothing situation. We have to stop thinking that it is, and that when the cards don’t fall in our favor, that it defines some part of us as being unworthy and unlovable. Because to combat that idea, we hold on as fiercely as we can to the reasons we are loved, until letting go is our idea– not theirs.
But we all end up, one way or another, okay. We’re all on different rides, but they all end the same way. You do not need somebody else’s love to be whole. You do not need their permission to go on with your life. What you do need is your own love. You need to let yourself go on.
You deserved a heads up, some sort of warning that, despite my ability to hide it all, I was broken.
And so somewhere along the line, entirely unaware of it all, you fell in love with me.
Though the thing about that, the really amazing part, is the fact that you’re still here. You haven’t run, or even attempted to run at any point, and that on its own is the reason that I love you, and the reason that I feel as guilty as I do. I’m guilty of taking you down with me, pulling you towards the rut that, on some days, I can’t seem to bring myself out of. And on those days, the ones where my pillow is stained with my eight-dollar mascara and it feels like my world is crashing, those are the days that you’re always waiting to pick me back up. You smile, and that’s when I know it’ll be okay.
That night, when I finally had a moment to myself, I stood in the hospital’s darkened hallway, stared out a sullied window, and wailed in a way I never have before or since. A passing nurse, seeing me keen, brought me a tiny cup of water and made me sit down. I never told my parents or my siblings about this. I simply wiped my eyes and dutifully returned to my mother’s bedside. Every now and then, I try to recall what went through my mind as I was standing in that hallway, crying my heart out. (And if you think that the cliché can’t be real—well, then, you’re lucky.) The truth is, I was thinking, selfishly, about myself. That my mother would never see me marry. That she would not know my children.
What I kept hearing from friends during that time was that I looked “good” and “strong.” That I seemed “fine.” I didn’t feel fine, but I also had no idea what to do except carry on. “I don’t know how you manage,” an old friend told me. “If it had been my mother, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning.”
Her mother’s death, she writes, “had cut me short at the very height of my youthful arrogance. It had forced me to instantly grow up and forgive her every motherly fault at the same time that it kept me forever a child, my life both ended and begun in that premature place where we’d left off.
I will fall in love with you because I know that if the timing’s right, you would hold me like you did to the street kid and tell me that you too, will fall in love with me, in a billion twilights, in a billion summers, and in a billion probabilities.
"See, I would give up every single thing I have to hear her say my name, to smell her skin, to hear her laugh, to have her tell me she is proud of me, hell I would give up everything just to have an argument with her. I have no idea how I am going to get through the rest of my life without her, and every day there is a struggle and there is also an opportunity. I believe we selfishly want to be with someone and so badly want to be able to physically reach out and touch them, but in all reality, I know I am closest to her than anyone can be. I am her DNA, she flows through my blood and every molecule of my being, and on top of this phenomenal understanding, her energy guides and moves me in ways I cannot even describe through any drawings or words. I am reminded daily through songs, people, strangers, scents, the sky, places, spaces, dreams, that she, without a sliver of a doubt, is here. Her energy is so powerful that I can’t go a day without reflecting on my own energy, continuously striving to be better than I was the day before."