When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich?
You fit everything I wanted: the eyes, the height, the voice, the family. Everything was unconditionally perfect and it drove me crazy. All the pieces were there but nothing matched up. You even screwed up in ways that were beautiful. I am supposed to cherish you—love you—be grateful for having you. But I wasn’t. I didn’t want anything to do with your chocolate eyes or powder skin. It was a realization that broke me apart every time I tried to deny this absence of passion. I couldn’t force this deficient desire to suddenly spark out of the uncomfortable air that lied between us. You and I just didn’t work.
And if you do, will you tell me about it? Because if you really love me, in a love-you-on-rainy-Tuesday, love-you-when-you’re-being-impossible, love-you-more-because-of-everything-we’ve-been-through kind of way, I need to know.
PS: Written words help me understand. (But, if you love me, you know that. Because that’s the kind of thing you know about someone you love.)
“You are none of them because you are all of them. You are who I love; the girl on the pedestal, the fantasy, the make-believe things that are actually true. You are what I love; the depth, the inside jokes, the best friend. You are when I love; a new history is being started with you. We are the young lovers our older selves will someday reminisce about. You are where I love; because I would go anywhere just to be with you. You are why I love, because before you, I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for. Now that we’ve found each other, you’ve given my past and future meaning.
You are the sixth. You are the last.”
The fantasy, the depth, the inside jokes, the young lovers. Because I would go anywhere just to be with you. Because before you, I didn’t truly understand what I was looking for.
You are who I love, what I love, when I love, where I love and why I love.♥